The Fruit of Foolish Affection Text: Proverbs 29:21
Introduction: The Age of the Precious Brat
We live in an age that is drowning in sentimentality. Our culture has traded the hard, bracing realities of biblical love for a cheap, sugary substitute that we call kindness, but which the Bible calls foolishness. This is nowhere more apparent than in how we raise our children. We have become terrified of authority, and most especially of our own. The modern Christian parent has been catechized by the world to believe that the worst possible thing they could do is offend the delicate sensibilities of their child. The home is no longer a training ground for godliness, but a therapeutic spa designed to ensure the child’s continuous emotional comfort and self-esteem.
The result is that we are mass-producing a generation of what can only be described as precious brats. They are fragile, entitled, demanding, and utterly unprepared for a world that does not revolve around them. They have been pampered, which is to say, they have been emotionally and spiritually overfed and under-exercised. And when they inevitably become insolent, ungrateful, and rebellious, the parents who created the monster stand back in bewildered confusion, wondering where they went wrong.
They went wrong at the very beginning. They went wrong when they decided that their feelings, and their child’s feelings, were a more reliable guide than the clear instruction of the Word of God. They exchanged the biblical duty of formative discipline for the pagan practice of indulgent pampering. And as our proverb for today makes clear, this exchange never, ever pays dividends. It is a spiritual Ponzi scheme, and the collapse is always total.
The book of Proverbs is intensely practical. It is God’s instruction manual for how the world actually works. It does not care about our theories or our good intentions. It tells us that if you plant thistle seeds, you will not harvest figs. If you sow the wind, you will reap the whirlwind. And if you pamper a child, you will raise a rebel. This is not a threat; it is a diagnosis. It is the law of the harvest applied to the household.
The Text
He who pampers his slave from childhood
Will in the end find him to be arrogant.
(Proverbs 29:21 LSB)
The Poison of Pampering
We begin with the first clause:
"He who pampers his slave from childhood..." (Proverbs 29:21a)
Now, the word here is "slave," and our modern sensibilities immediately recoil. But we must read the Bible that was written, not the one we wish were written. The principle here applies to any situation of delegated authority and responsibility. It applies with full force to a master and his servant, to an employer and his employee, and most pointedly for us, to a parent and his child. A child is under the authority of his parents, and is being trained to one day take on his own authority. The household is the training ground.
So what does it mean to "pamper"? The Hebrew word suggests delicacy, softness, and indulgence. It is the opposite of training, discipline, and hardship. To pamper a child is to treat him like a porcelain doll instead of a future soldier. It is to shield him from every discomfort, to grant his every whim, to remove all consequences for his actions, and to flatter him into believing he is the center of the universe. It is to give him rights without responsibilities, and privileges without duties.
The pampering parent is not motivated by true love, but by a cocktail of selfishness and fear. The selfishness comes from wanting the child's approval. The parent wants to be the child's friend, not his authority, and so he bribes him with constant indulgence. The fear is a fear of the child's displeasure, a fear of conflict, and ultimately, a fear of God's commands. It is easier to give the boy another hour on the video game than to have a fight. It is easier to buy the girl the expensive dress than to deal with the tantrum. This is not love; it is cowardice masquerading as compassion.
Biblical love, by contrast, "chasteneth...betimes" (Proverbs 13:24). True love is formative. It has a goal in view: a mature, responsible, godly adult. Pampering has no goal except immediate emotional gratification, for both the child and the parent. It is the spiritual equivalent of feeding a child nothing but candy. The child might love you for it in the moment, but you are rotting his teeth, ruining his health, and preparing him for a life of misery.
The Inevitable Harvest
The second clause gives us the certain and bitter fruit of this foolishness.
"Will in the end find him to be arrogant." (Proverbs 29:21b)
The phrase "in the end" is crucial. The consequences of pampering are not always immediate. In fact, for a time, the pampered child can seem delightful. He is "happy." The house is "peaceful." The parents congratulate themselves on their enlightened approach. But the poison is in the roots, and eventually, the tree will bear its fruit. The harvest is guaranteed.
And what is the harvest? He will be "arrogant." The Hebrew here is fascinating. Some translations render it "a son," or "an heir." The idea is that the pampered servant or child begins to see himself not as one under authority, but as the one who is owed everything. He develops the mentality of an heir, but without any of the character, loyalty, or responsibility that a true son should have. He is a usurper. He is insolent, ungrateful, and demanding. He believes he is entitled to the master's inheritance simply by virtue of his existence.
This is the essence of arrogance. The pampered child has never been taught his place. He has never been taught to honor his father and mother. He has never been taught that the world does not owe him a living. He has been raised in a bubble of unreality, and when that bubble is inevitably pricked by the sharp edges of the real world, he does not respond with humility, but with rage. He blames his parents, his teachers, his boss, and God for his problems. He has been trained to be a perpetual victim and a petty tyrant.
The master who pampered his servant has created his own rival. The parent who indulged his child has cultivated a viper in his own home. The child who was never told "no" will one day say "no" to all legitimate authority, including that of the parents who created him. They wanted a friend, and they got an enemy. They wanted peace, and they got a war. They sowed indulgence, and they reap rebellion.
The Gospel for Pamperers and the Pampered
This proverb is a sharp diagnosis of a common household disease, but it also points us to the gospel. For at the root of this whole disaster is a profound misunderstanding of our relationship with God.
Every one of us is born with the heart of a pampered child. We are born rebels who believe that God the Father owes us everything. We want His sun, His rain, His food, and His air, but we do not want His authority. We want to be treated as sons, but we refuse to honor Him as Father. We are, by nature, arrogant usurpers of His throne. This is the story of Adam in the garden, and it is our story.
And how does God the Father deal with us, His rebellious creatures? He does not pamper us. The gospel is not a message of indulgence. God does not look down at our sin and say, "There, there, you're perfect just as you are." No, He confronts our arrogance head-on. He shows us His law, which we have broken. He reveals His holiness, against which we have trespassed. He shows us that our arrogance deserves nothing but death.
But then He does something astonishing. He sends His true Son, His perfect Heir, Jesus Christ, to live the life of perfect submission that we refused to live, and to die the death that our arrogant rebellion deserved. On the cross, Jesus took the full consequences of our insolence upon Himself.
And when we, by faith, are united to Christ, God adopts us as sons. But He does not then begin to pamper us. Far from it. "For whom the Lord loves He chastens, and scourges every son whom He receives" (Hebrews 12:6). God's love is a formative love. It is a disciplining love. He puts us through trials, He corrects our faults, He rebukes our sins, all because He is training us to be true sons and worthy heirs. He is knocking the arrogance out of us and cultivating the humble obedience of Christ within us.
This is the model for all Christian authority. The Christian father does not pamper his child because his heavenly Father does not pamper him. He disciplines his child, in love, because his heavenly Father disciplines him, in love. He is preparing his child not for a life of ease, but for a life of faithful service in the kingdom of God. He is training a true son, not cultivating an arrogant rebel.
If you are a parent who has fallen into the trap of pampering, the answer is not to swing to the other extreme of harshness. The answer is to repent. Repent of your fear, your selfishness, and your unbelief. Look to Christ, the true Son, and ask God to teach you how to be a true father or a true mother. And if you are the product of a pampered upbringing, the answer is not to blame your parents forever. The answer is to repent of your own arrogance, your own entitlement, and your own ungratefulness. Look to Christ, who though He was a Son, learned obedience through the things He suffered. In Him, and in Him alone, the cycle of foolishness can be broken, and the fruit of righteousness can be grown.