The Domestic Wilderness
Introduction: The Home as Proving Ground
The book of Proverbs is intensely practical. It does not deal in ethereal abstractions or sentimental platitudes. It brings the fear of the Lord down to the level of the dinner table, the business dealing, and, as we see in our text, the living room. We live in an age that wants to have it both ways. We want the blessings of covenantal faithfulness, things like peace, harmony, and joy, but we want to obtain them on our own terms. We want a happy home, but we refuse to follow the Manufacturer's instructions for building one.
The modern world treats marriage as a consumer product, a vehicle for self-fulfillment. When it ceases to provide the desired emotional payoff, it is discarded like any other obsolete gadget. But the Scriptures teach us that marriage is not primarily about self-fulfillment; it is about sanctification. It is a covenant, a picture of Christ and the Church, and it is in the friction of this covenant that God often does His most profound work of knocking the rough edges off of us. The home is not a retreat from the world; it is the primary proving ground of our faith.
This proverb, and others like it, are often dismissed by our soft generation as harsh, or even misogynistic. But that is because we have forgotten what sin is, and we have forgotten what a blessing peace is. The Bible speaks plainly about sin, whether it is found in men or in women. And it speaks plainly about the consequences of that sin. This proverb is a stark warning, a piece of bracing wisdom that is absolutely necessary for building a godly home and, by extension, a godly society. A culture is nothing more than a collection of homes. As the homes go, so goes the culture. And when the homes are filled with strife, the culture will be filled with chaos.
The Text
"It is better to live in a desert land Than with a contentious and vexing woman." (Proverbs 21:19 LSB)
A Statement of Comparative Misery
The proverb uses a hyperbole, a deliberate exaggeration, to make a sharp and memorable point. It sets up a comparison between two undesirable situations. On the one hand, you have life in a desert land. This is a place of scarcity, hardship, and isolation. It is a wilderness, a place where survival is a constant struggle against the elements. There is no comfort, no abundance, no easy fellowship. It is a picture of external hardship.
On the other hand, you have life in a house with a particular kind of woman. The proverb says it is better to choose the desert. This is a staggering statement. The Spirit of God is telling us that a certain kind of internal, domestic strife is more unbearable than severe external poverty and desolation. A man would be better off, more at peace, sleeping on the sand under the stars, than in a fine house filled with bitterness and conflict. This teaches us that the state of our relationships is more fundamental to our well being than the state of our circumstances.
This proverb is a companion to an earlier one: "It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife" (Proverbs 21:9). The corner of a flat roof is exposed, cramped, and uncomfortable. But it is preferable to the spacious interior if that interior is filled with strife. Peace is of ultimate value. A crust of bread in a peaceful home is a feast, while a banquet in a war zone is a torment.
Defining the Problem: Contentious and Vexing
The proverb describes the woman with two specific words. The first is "contentious." This comes from a Hebrew word that means strife, quarreling, and contention. This is not about a woman who has a different opinion, or who points out a genuine fault in her husband. A godly wife is a helper, and sometimes the most helpful thing she can do is to offer a gentle and wise rebuke. No, this is describing a disposition, a character trait. A contentious woman is one who is addicted to strife. She thrives on argument. She is a brawler in spirit. Peace is a threat to her, because in a state of peace, she is not in control. Every disagreement becomes a battle, every issue a federal case. Her home is not a haven; it is a courtroom where her husband is perpetually on trial.
The second word is "vexing." This can be translated as irritable, angry, or fretful. It speaks of a spirit of constant agitation and provocation. This is the woman whose mood dictates the emotional temperature of the entire household. Everyone is walking on eggshells, trying to manage her emotional state. This is a form of tyranny. It is a spirit that is never satisfied, always finding something to be angry or worried about. It is the opposite of the "gentle and quiet spirit" which in God's sight is very precious (1 Peter 3:4).
When you combine these two traits, you have a domestic terrorist. You have a home that is not a place of rest and refuge, but a place of constant, low-grade warfare. The dripping faucet of Proverbs 19:13 and 27:15 is a perfect analogy. It is not a flood that destroys the house all at once, but a relentless, maddening, persistent disruption that makes peace impossible.
A Word to Women, and a Word to Men
Now, the direct application here is a warning to women. Do not be this woman. This is a sin that destroys your home, dishonors your husband, exasperates your children, and is an offense to God. Your calling is to build your house up with wisdom, not to tear it down with your own hands (Proverbs 14:1). Your strength is to be a helper, a completer, one who brings peace, order, and beauty. To cultivate a contentious and vexing spirit is to rebel against your created design. It is to abdicate your glory. Repent of the sins of bitterness, nagging, disrespect, and a desire to control. Ask God to give you a gentle and quiet spirit, to fill you with the fruit of His Spirit, which is love, joy, and peace.
But let us not imagine for a moment that the men get off scot-free. While the proverb is a direct description of a sinful woman, it contains a powerful implicit warning for men, particularly young men. That warning is this: do not marry this woman. When you are looking for a wife, you are not looking for a pretty face or a charming personality. You are looking for godly character. "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised" (Proverbs 31:30). A man who marries a beautiful, contentious woman has bought himself a golden ring for a pig's snout (Proverbs 11:22). He has chosen a lifetime of misery for a moment of infatuation. Look for kindness. Look for wisdom. Look for a woman who loves Christ more than she loves her own will.
Furthermore, husbands have a responsibility to cultivate a home where a godly spirit can flourish. A husband who is harsh, domineering, selfish, or passive can provoke his wife to sin. He can create a contentious woman through his own foolishness. As Paul says, husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church, giving themselves up for her (Ephesians 5:25). A man who loves his wife like that, who leads with gentle strength and sacrificial love, is making it very difficult for a contentious spirit to take root. He is cultivating a garden where peace and joy can grow.
The Gospel Refuge
Ultimately, the problem of the contentious and vexing heart is a problem that only the gospel can solve. Every human heart, male and female, is by nature a desert land, barren and unfruitful. And every human heart is by nature contentious, at war with God. We are all, in our fallen state, vexing to a holy God.
But the good news is that Jesus Christ, our true husband, did not abandon us to the wilderness of our sin. He left the perfect peace of heaven and entered into the strife of our fallen world. He took upon Himself the contentiousness of His bride, the Church. On the cross, He absorbed the full measure of God's wrath against our vexing rebellion. He was cast out into the ultimate desert, the outer darkness, so that we could be brought into His Father's house.
And He did this to create a new kind of bride. He is sanctifying the Church, "having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish" (Ephesians 5:26-27). He is taking contentious, vexing sinners and transforming them into a people who are characterized by love, joy, and peace.
Therefore, if you are a woman struggling with this sin, your hope is not in trying harder. Your hope is in the cross. Confess your sin, and look to Christ, who has forgiven you and is now interceding for you. Ask His Spirit to work in you that which is pleasing in His sight. If you are a man living in a difficult marriage, your hope is also in the cross. Look to Christ as your example of long-suffering, sacrificial love. And pray for your wife, that she too would be transformed by the grace of God. For any of us, the only true refuge from the strife of this world, whether it is in the desert or in the home, is the peace that is found in Jesus Christ alone.