Hopeful Discipline, Not Homicidal Rage Text: Proverbs 19:18
Introduction: The Fork in the Road
In our modern age, we are presented with two prevailing philosophies of child-rearing, both of them disastrous, and both of them flowing from the same polluted spring of sentimentality. The first is the path of permissive indulgence. This is the parent who believes that a child's will is a delicate flower to be nurtured, not a rebellious weed to be pulled. They mistake their laziness for love and their cowardice for compassion. The second path appears more traditional but is just as deadly. This is the path of the exasperated tyrant, the parent who disciplines out of sheer frustration, anger, and a desperate need for control. Their discipline is not a scalpel in the hand of a surgeon but a club in the hand of a thug.
Both of these paths lead to the same destination: the ruin of the child. One parent abandons the child to his own sinful impulses, and the other drives him to despair with his own sinful impulses. The first refuses to discipline at all, and the second disciplines for all the wrong reasons. Both are forms of parental malpractice. Both are forms of hatred. The book of Proverbs, being the intensely practical book that it is, cuts a third path for us. It is the path of faithful, loving, and timely discipline. It is a path that requires courage, self-control, and a long-range vision. It is the path of hope.
The wisdom of God is not complicated, but it is demanding. It demands that we reject the twin follies of sentimental indulgence and frustrated rage. It requires us to see our children as God sees them: as covenant image-bearers, born in sin, yet heirs to the promise, who need to be rescued from themselves. This verse before us is a stark and sober command. It presents us with a choice between two outcomes, life or death, hope or ruin. And it places the steering wheel, to a great extent, in the hands of the parents.
The Text
"Discipline your son while there is hope, And do not direct your soul to put him to death."
(Proverbs 19:18 LSB)
Discipline in the Time of Hope
The first clause gives us the positive command, and it is a command conditioned by a season of opportunity.
"Discipline your son while there is hope..." (Proverbs 19:18a)
The word for discipline here is the Hebrew word musar. It means instruction, correction, chastening, and training. It is a comprehensive term. It certainly includes the use of the rod, as Proverbs makes abundantly clear elsewhere. "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him" (Proverbs 13:24). But it is not limited to that. It is the entire project of shaping the character of your child in accordance with God's law. It is formative instruction and corrective chastisement.
Notice the urgency in the timing: "while there is hope." This is not a threat, but a glorious window of opportunity. A sapling can be bent; a hardened oak cannot. God has designed children to be impressionable, teachable, and moldable. The folly that is bound up in the heart of a child (Proverbs 22:15) has not yet petrified into a fixed, lifelong rebellion. The concrete of their character is still wet. This is the season of hope. This is when a parent's diligent labor yields the most fruit.
This is a profound encouragement to young parents. The time to establish your authority, the time to teach obedience, the time to deal with defiance is when they are small. The terrible twos are not a phase to be survived; they are a curriculum to be taught. When your toddler looks you in the eye and says "No!" for the first time, you are not witnessing a cute milestone. You are witnessing the raw essence of the Adamic rebellion in miniature. And your job is to lovingly, firmly, and consistently crush that rebellion before it grows into a monster that will one day crush him.
To neglect discipline during this season of hope is to despise the grace of God. It is to say that you know better. It is to gamble with your child's soul on the flimsy hope that he will "grow out of it." He will not grow out of it. He will grow in it. Sin is not a static condition; it is a cancer. Left untreated, it grows and metastasizes until it consumes the whole person. To fail to discipline while there is hope is to be a passive accomplice to your child's eventual destruction.
The Ban on Homicidal Discipline
The second clause of the verse gives us the severe warning. It is the guardrail that keeps biblical discipline from careening into sinful abuse.
"...And do not direct your soul to put him to death." (Proverbs 19:18b)
This is a fascinating and sobering phrase. The Hebrew literally says, "do not lift up your soul to his death." This is a command that regulates the heart of the parent during the act of discipline. The first clause tells you when to discipline: while there is hope. This clause tells you how to discipline: not with a soul lifted up to kill.
This is a direct prohibition of disciplining in anger. When a parent disciplines in a hot-tempered rage, his soul is indeed "lifted up." He is not acting as a calm, judicial representative of God's authority. He has become a tempest of personal frustration. He is not seeking the good of the child, but the satisfaction of his own vexation. The goal is no longer correction, but rather to "make him pay" for the trouble he has caused. This is not discipline; it is revenge. It is not formative; it is destructive. It is, in its essence, a homicidal impulse.
Of course, this does not mean the parent is literally trying to murder his child with a spanking. But the spirit of it, the internal disposition, is one of death, not life. It is the spirit of Cain. It is the fruit of exasperation, which fathers are explicitly commanded to avoid: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4). Notice the contrast. You can either provoke them to anger with your sinful anger, or you can bring them up in the Lord's discipline. You cannot do both.
When a parent is qualified to discipline, he probably does not feel like it. He is calm, objective, and acting out of principle. When he feels like disciplining, when he is seething with anger, he is probably not qualified. True biblical discipline is a cross. It is a painful, sorrowful duty performed out of love. It must be done in a way that communicates, "I am doing this for your soul, not to my temper." It must be followed by immediate restoration, prayer, and expressions of love. The child must know that he has been disciplined and restored, not assaulted and rejected.
The Gospel Application
The two errors this proverb guards against, indulgence and rage, are precisely the two errors that sinful man makes in his relationship with God. On the one hand, the universalist wants a God who is all indulgence, a celestial grandfather who winks at sin and would never dream of chastising anyone. On the other hand, the guilty legalist imagines a God who is all rage, a cosmic tyrant who is impossible to please and whose holiness is nothing but raw fury.
The gospel reveals a Father who is neither of these things. Our Heavenly Father is the perfect parent. He does not spare the rod on His beloved children. "For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives" (Hebrews 12:6). If you are a Christian, and you are not experiencing the discipline of the Lord, the Bible says you should check your spiritual birth certificate. His discipline is proof of His love and His legitimate claim on you.
But at the same time, His discipline is never a homicidal rage. How do we know this? Because all of His righteous fury, all of the wrath that our sin deserved, was fully and completely poured out upon His Son, Jesus Christ, at the cross. The cross is where God's justice and His mercy met. The cross is what makes it possible for God to discipline us in love instead of destroying us in wrath. He lifted up His soul to put His Son to death, so that He would never have to lift up His soul to put us to death.
Therefore, Christian parent, your discipline must be a reflection of this gospel reality. You must be diligent to discipline, because God is diligent to discipline you, and to withhold it is to hate your child. But you must put away all bitterness and wrath and anger, because God has put away His wrath from you in Christ. Your discipline must be hopeful, looking to the restoration of the child, not destructive, seeking only to vent your spleen.
You are acting as God's representative. You are stewarding a soul that belongs to Him. Therefore, you must discipline according to His principles, not your feelings. Discipline while there is that glorious season of hope. And when you do, make sure your soul is set on their life, not on their death. For in doing so, you are not only shaping them for a peaceful and productive life here, but you are also pointing them to the perfect Father, whose discipline always yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.