The Architecture of a Christian World: Household Duties Text: Colossians 3:18-21
Introduction: The World in the Home
We live in a time that is profoundly confused about the most basic realities of human existence. Our culture is adrift on a sea of relativism, having thrown the compass of God's Word overboard. They are trying to build a civilization on the shifting sands of sentiment and personal preference, and the result is the chaos we see all around us. Nowhere is this confusion more destructive than in its assault on the family. The family is the foundational institution of any society, the first government, the first church, and the first school. As the family goes, so goes the world.
The modern project, born of rebellion, seeks to dismantle the created order. It wants to erase the distinctions between man and woman, husband and wife, parent and child. It preaches a gospel of autonomous individualism, where every person is a sovereign self, creating their own reality and their own morality. This is a direct assault on the lordship of Jesus Christ. When Paul, in this letter, gets to the practical, on-the-ground application of what it means to live with your mind set on things above, where does he go? He goes straight to the home. He doesn't start with the senate or the marketplace; he starts with the dinner table.
This is because the Christian household is a microcosm of God's kingdom. It is a little commonwealth, a miniature church, where the government of Christ is to be most clearly displayed. The relationships within the family, wives and husbands, children and parents, are not arbitrary social constructs. They are divinely designed, load-bearing walls in the structure of reality. To tamper with them is to invite the whole house to come crashing down. What Paul lays out here is not a collection of helpful hints for happier families. This is spiritual warfare. This is the architecture of a Christian world, and it begins in your home.
The world sees these commands as oppressive, archaic, and restrictive. But the world is blind. It is in this divine pattern of headship, submission, love, and obedience that true freedom is found. This is not a prison; it is a fortress. It is not a cage; it is a dance. And the steps are given to us by the one who choreographed creation itself.
The Text
Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.
Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is pleasing to the Lord.
Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.
(Colossians 3:18-21 LSB)
Wives and Fitting Submission (v. 18)
The instruction begins with the wives, and it is a command that our rebellious age despises more than any other.
"Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord." (Colossians 3:18)
The word for "be subject" is a military term, hypotasso, meaning to arrange yourself under authority. This is not a suggestion. It is a command, in the middle voice, meaning the wife is to do this willingly. It is a voluntary arranging of herself under her husband's headship. This is not a statement about value or worth; men and women are created equal in the image of God. This is a statement about role and function within the covenant of marriage. Headship and submission are the divine structure for marriage, mirroring the relationship between Christ and His Church.
The world hears "submission" and thinks "inferiority" or "oppression." But this is because the world is tone-deaf to the music of the gospel. The Son is eternally submissive to the Father, yet He is in no way inferior to the Father. Submission to a loving, God-ordained authority is not demeaning; it is the pathway to glory. A wife's submission is her great act of faith, trusting that God's design is good, even when her husband is flawed.
Notice the qualifier: "as is fitting in the Lord." This is not a grim, resentful duty. It is "fitting." It is appropriate, beautiful, and harmonious within the created order. It corresponds to the way God made the world to work. When a wife joyfully and intelligently submits to her own husband, she is not just obeying a verse; she is aligning herself with the grain of the universe. This submission is "in the Lord," which means it is her service to Christ Himself. She submits to her husband for the Lord's sake, as an act of worship to Him. This also sets the boundary. Her ultimate allegiance is to the Lord. A husband has no authority to command his wife to sin. Her submission is to be Christian submission, not blind obedience.
Husbands and Sacrificial Love (v. 19)
The command to the husband is equally demanding and defines the entire context for the wife's submission.
"Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them." (Colossians 3:19 LSB)
The husband's duty is summed up in one word: love. But this is not the sentimental, romantic feeling that our culture calls love. This is agape love, the same love with which Christ loved the church. And how did Christ love the church? He gave Himself up for her (Eph. 5:25). This is a sacrificial, self-giving, laying-down-your-life kind of love. The husband's headship is not a license for tyranny, but a commission to die. He is to die to his own selfishness, his own comfort, his own desires, for the good of his wife. He is the head, which means he takes the bullet. He is responsible before God for the spiritual health, protection, and provision of his family.
Then Paul adds a specific prohibition: "do not be embittered against them." The Greek word here means to become sharp, harsh, or resentful. This is the peculiar temptation of husbands. When a husband's leadership is not respected, or when his desires are not met, his sinful heart is tempted to grow a root of bitterness. This bitterness can manifest as harsh words, a sullen silence, passive-aggressive behavior, or a critical spirit. It is poison to a marriage. A husband is commanded to actively fight against this. He is to love his wife, which means he must actively forgive her, bear with her weaknesses, and refuse to keep a record of her wrongs. Bitterness is a failure to love as Christ loves. It is a refusal to extend the same grace that he himself has received from God.
Children and Pleasing Obedience (v. 20)
The instructions then move to the next generation, the children in the home.
"Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is pleasing to the Lord." (Genesis 3:20 LSB)
The command to children is straightforward: obey. This is the primary duty of a child under the authority of their parents. The scope is comprehensive: "in all things." This, of course, is bounded by the higher law of God, just as a wife's submission is. Parents cannot command a child to sin. But within the realm of their God-given authority, their word is law for the child. This obedience is not just for the sake of a peaceful home or a well-ordered society, though it accomplishes both. The ultimate reason is that "this is pleasing to the Lord."
A child's obedience to his parents is a direct act of worship to God. It is in the home that a child first learns what authority is. By learning to submit to the loving authority of their parents, they are being trained to submit to the ultimate authority of their Heavenly Father. Disobedience to parents is not a childish phase; the Bible treats it as a serious sin, a mark of a rebellious heart and a sign of a depraved culture (Romans 1:30; 2 Timothy 3:2). Therefore, teaching and requiring obedience is one of the most loving things parents can do for their children. It is training them in the grain of the universe, which is designed to run on submission to rightful authority.
Fathers and Heartfelt Encouragement (v. 21)
Finally, Paul returns to the head of the household, specifically addressing the fathers, and gives them a crucial warning.
"Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart." (Colossians 3:21 LSB)
While both parents are involved in raising children, the father is given the primary responsibility for the overall tone and direction of the discipline in the home. And his great temptation is to "exasperate" his children. This means to provoke, to irritate, to stir up to anger. A father can do this in many ways: through hypocrisy, by having rules he doesn't follow himself; through inconsistency, by punishing one day what he allows the next; through favoritism, by pitting siblings against each other; through perfectionism, by demanding a standard that can never be met; or through sheer harshness and anger.
The result of this kind of provoking fatherhood is that the children "will lose heart." They become discouraged. Their spirits are crushed. They give up trying to please. This is a terrible thing. It can lead to a spirit of rebellion or a spirit of defeated apathy. Godly discipline is meant to build up, to correct, and to restore fellowship. It is always aimed at the heart. Unrighteous fathering, on the other hand, crushes the heart.
So the father's duty is to lead in such a way that his children are encouraged in their walk with the Lord. He must be firm, yes, but also gentle, consistent, and quick to forgive. His authority must be a reflection of the authority of our Heavenly Father, who disciplines those He loves for their good, that they may share in His holiness (Hebrews 12:10).
Conclusion: The Symphony of the Home
These four commands are not isolated rules. They are interconnected parts of a single, harmonious design. A wife's submission is made easier by a husband's sacrificial love. A husband's love is encouraged by a wife's respectful submission. Children's obedience flows from a home governed by this mutual love and respect. And a father's gentle authority prevents the children from becoming discouraged and rebellious.
When each member of the family embraces their God-given role, the result is not oppression, but a beautiful symphony. It is a powerful testimony to a watching world of the goodness and wisdom of God's design. The world preaches a cacophony of self-expression, but the Christian home is called to display the harmony of self-sacrifice.
This is where the Christian reconstruction of the world begins. It does not begin in Washington D.C. It begins when a wife decides to joyfully respect her husband, when a husband resolves to love his wife as Christ loved the church, when a child obeys his parents, and when a father leads with firm and gentle hands. It begins when your household decides, together, to live as is "fitting in the Lord." This is the foundation upon which godly civilizations are built. Let us therefore go home and build.