Commentary - Colossians 3:18-21

Bird's-eye view

In Colossians 3:18-21, the apostle Paul brings the glorious, high-flying theology of the first part of his letter right down to the kitchen table. Having established the absolute supremacy of Christ over all things, visible and invisible (Col. 1:15-20), and having called believers to set their minds on things above where Christ is seated (Col. 3:1-2), he now shows us what this heavenly-mindedness looks like in the most basic structures of human society: the family. This is not a jarring transition from the sublime to the mundane. Rather, it is the application of the sublime to the mundane, sanctifying it. The household codes are where the rubber of our new identity in Christ meets the road of our daily lives. Paul addresses wives, husbands, children, and fathers, giving each a specific command that flows directly from their union with Christ. This is not a mere list of ethical rules, but a description of a redeemed social order, a picture of how the gospel reshapes our most intimate relationships to reflect the glory of God.

The structure is straightforward and reciprocal. Wives are to submit, and husbands are to love. Children are to obey, and fathers are not to provoke. Each command is tailored to the specific temptations and callings of each station within the family. This is a divine choreography, and when each member plays their part as unto the Lord, the result is a domestic harmony that serves as a powerful witness to a chaotic and disordered world. This is the gospel made visible in the home.

Outline

Context In Colossians

These instructions to the family are embedded in a larger section (Col. 3:1-4:6) where Paul is unpacking the practical implications of being "raised with Christ." Before he gets to the household, he has already called the Colossians to put to death the old self with its sinful practices (Col. 3:5-9) and to put on the new self, which is being renewed in the image of its creator (Col. 3:10-17). The virtues he calls for, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, patience, forgiveness, and above all, love, are the necessary soil in which the specific duties of the household are to grow. The household codes are not a separate, disconnected list of rules. They are the outworking of this new, Christ-centered character in the specific relationships of the home. The family is the first and most fundamental proving ground for our new life in Christ.

Key Issues

Verse by Verse Commentary

Colossians 3:18 Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

Paul begins with the wives. The verb here for "be subject" or "submit" is a military term, speaking of arranging oneself in rank under authority. This is not a suggestion for a particular personality type; it is a divine command for all Christian wives. This submission is not to all men, but specifically "to your own husbands." This is a covenantal arrangement. The world, and even much of the church, chokes on this command, seeing it as oppressive or demeaning. But this is because they have rejected God's created order. Paul qualifies the command with the phrase, "as is fitting in the Lord." This tells us two crucial things. First, the submission is not absolute; it must be "in the Lord." A wife is not commanded to submit to sin. Second, this submission is "fitting." It is appropriate, suitable, and beautiful within the Christian framework. It fits the way God made the world. It is the wife's unique way of adorning the gospel and reflecting the church's glad submission to Christ.

Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.

The command to the husband is equally, if not more, demanding. He is to "love" his wife. The Greek word is agapate, which speaks of a self-giving, sacrificial love, the very love with which Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her (Eph. 5:25). This is not a sentimental, romantic feeling, though it certainly doesn't exclude it. It is a rugged, covenantal commitment to seek her good and her holiness above his own. Paul then adds a negative command: "do not be embittered against them." This word means to be harsh, sharp, or resentful. A husband is tempted toward a tyrannical, demanding, or bitter spirit, especially if he feels his wife is not submitting as he thinks she should. But his responsibility is not to coerce submission but to love sacrificially. A husband's love is the climate in which a wife's submission can grow and flourish. Bitterness is a poison that will kill it. He is to lead with a love that absorbs bitterness, not one that dishes it out.

Colossians 3:20 Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is pleasing to the Lord.

The command to children is straightforward: "obey your parents." This obedience is to be "in all things," which means in every area where the parents have legitimate authority. Again, this is not an absolute command to sin, but it is a comprehensive one. The motivation provided is simple and profound: "for this is pleasing to the Lord." The obedience of a child is an act of worship. It brings pleasure to God. This elevates the mundane tasks of childhood, cleaning a room, doing homework, speaking respectfully, into the realm of the sacred. When a child obeys his parents, he is not just obeying them; he is obeying the Lord who established their authority. This is foundational for a child's understanding of all authority, ultimately leading to their submission to God Himself.

Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.

Just as husbands were given a negative command to guard against their particular temptation, so are fathers. The word for "exasperate" means to provoke or to irritate. Fathers can do this through inconsistency, harshness, unreasonable demands, favoritism, or a critical spirit that is never satisfied. The father, as the head of the home, sets the emotional and spiritual tone. If he is a constant source of provocation, the result is that the children will "lose heart." They will become discouraged, disheartened, and their spirits will be crushed. A discouraged child is not in a position to grow up into mature faith. The father's task is to lead in such a way that his children are encouraged and built up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4). His authority is for their good, not for his own ego. He is to be a reflection of our heavenly Father, who disciplines those He loves, but does so with perfect wisdom and for their ultimate joy.

Application

The application of this passage is as direct as it gets. The Christian life is not lived in a monastery, detached from the world, but right here in our homes. The family is the basic building block of society and the church, and a well-ordered Christian home is a potent apologetic for the truth of the gospel. We live in a world that is deeply confused about marriage, gender, and parenting. Our homes are to be outposts of the kingdom, displaying a different and better way.

Wives, your submission is not a sign of weakness but of strength under authority, a beautiful picture of the church's relationship to Christ. Husbands, your love is not a suggestion to be nice, but a command to lay down your life, your preferences, and your selfishness for the good of your wife. Children, your obedience is not just about making your parents happy, but about pleasing your Father in heaven. And fathers, your leadership is not a license for tyranny, but a stewardship to be exercised with gentleness and wisdom, so that you build up your children and do not crush their spirits.

Each of these commands is impossible in our own strength. We are all sinners, and our families are often the places where our sin is most painfully exposed. But the context of these commands is the glorious reality of Colossians 1, 2, and the beginning of 3. We are united to the triumphant Christ. We have been forgiven. We have been given a new identity. Therefore, we can, by the power of the Spirit, begin to live out this beautiful, God-designed order in our homes, not for our own glory, but for His.